Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
