so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You dont lie about slip and slides
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
we're so committed to being not committed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
