Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
