She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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