I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
