i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
