I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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