my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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