Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
