A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
