Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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