We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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