My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
home. puking in laundry basket.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
