i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
