I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
