Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
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I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
