...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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