member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
