dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
