My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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