I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
