I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
