she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
did i just pee glitter
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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