The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
