I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
