My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
