omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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