Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
