he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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