Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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