Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
