She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
