Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
