ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
