Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
