I wanna passion pit in your ass
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
