Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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