the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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