I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
