I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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