don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
