you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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