Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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