Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
