Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
