I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
