he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This baby is an asshole
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
