Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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