You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
