mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
