I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
